Etiquette for Young Pilots

One of the sad things about the recession and modern chav Britain is that standards are deteriorating. Whether it's people getting their flaps out for Dr Christian for cheap TV, bank managers being all of 12 years old and calling you 'mate' or Northerners going out in pyjamas, society nowadays is shite. See, even my language has deteriorated. I long for the Britain of yesteryear, when air travel was a luxury for the privileged and not a need for the underclass of Barnsley to hop on a Ryanair bus to Amsterdam. I loved it when people dressed to fly, when airports were classy places and when the Mediterranean was a retreat for the hard-working, not a birthright for benefit babies. Even the trolley dollies aren't what they were- once mandatory to be fluent in several languages, nowadays they struggle with standard English, speaking like basically like in text language like, yaknowwhatimean? Some of them even have the audacity to say 'flight attendants are here to save your arse, not kiss it'! Do they not know what a role in Customer Service means? Have they not read the job description? Sadly, even the calibre of pilots is going downhill. Don't panic, they're still safe to fly with, it's the additional extras they are becoming complacent in. Let me educate you.

1. Uniform standards. Everyone knows a true PILF wears his uniform and doesn't let his uniform wear him. We all know Ryanair looks like something from Ann Summers' erotic arseless chaps range, FlyDubai looks like My First Pilot Uniform and Jet2 looks like Man at C&A. However, the true aviators that work for these airlines carry their uniforms with pride and wear their stripes well. Puff your chest out like a randy feral pigeon, back straight and shoulders back and exude confidence, repeating the phrase 'to fly, to serve, to seduce'. That is how you wear your uniform. And if your airline is too tight to pay for a bespoke uniform, every immigrant area of every city in the world has cheap tailors who will take your keks up for about £3. Swallow your pride and pay a professional to take your uniform in. It's a small price to pay for the respect you will gain from the public, and more importantly, the pussy you will pull. Under any circumstance, do not wear your tie loose and your coat over your shoulder, unless you're in Dubai or somewhere hot. If you do this in Liverpool John Lennon, you will look like an extra from The Inbetweeners and people will think you're a naughty local schoolboy coming to nick the wheels off a shuttle bus. True aviators carry a proper flight bag too, not one of these rucksack jobs. Got your PE kit and textbooks in there too have you? Not only does it look childish, it creases your blazer, oh sorry, I mean uniform. If you follow these tips, you will also need a shitty stick with your uniform to beat the flange off with.

2. Language. We all use slang words and we all have some sort of an accent. It's when people use an extreme of regional slang and a regional accent and it all goes pear-shaped, making so-called professionals sound like an extra from Brassed Off. Do these young cadets honestly think they look like international men of mystery when they ask for a 'brew'? Do they think they sound like some sort of plastic gangster when they cough, splutter and 'erm' down the PA? It's also embarrassing if you let 'definately', 'alot' and 'should of' creep into your poorly-maintained vocabulary. Do you want people to confuse you with bus drivers? Please refrain from describing things as 'epic' too, unless it's a film or a ship crashing into an iceberg.

3. Authority. Command some respect. Be a team player but not too much, if you catch my drift. You will one day be responsible for an airliner and the way some of these cadets behave, I wouldn't entrust them with a hamster. No, I don't mean they'd shove it up their arse and do a Richard Gere, but they have no sense of responsibility. Stop snivelling behind your captain, stop sucking up to 18 year old cabin crew from the estate because you think they'll make you look hard. Stop calling the dispatcher 'mate'. One error on that load sheet could mean a newsworthy catastrophe. Man up. Half-a-man cadets and young FOs are the pilot equivalent of those schoolteachers who get trodden all over by kids. You are killing the profession's reputation. If you want to be a yes-man, go work in a call centre.

4. Pussy. Everyone knows pilots are fit and the uniform is to women what flies are to excrement. However, some pilots don't manage to pull. For some, it's because they've had their arse wiped for so long and while their mates were fingerbanging birds behind the bike sheds, they were grappling with Airfix kits. While their student mates had traffic cones on their heads and pulling birds in Wetherspoons, they were snowed under with a busy flight school schedule. Yes, they have missed many milestones in seduction and are making up for lost time by watching American Pie, trying to learn technique from Stifler and co. Let me tell you, true PILFs take their seduction tips from old-school British comedy like the Carry On movies. Be slightly womanising, be a man's man and add a dash of James Bond into the mix. Be suave, hold doors open, pay on the first couple of dates. Don't ask your mates to come along on the date, you're not a student. Don't be scared of getting your uniform soiled with bodily fluids, that's part of the fun. Girls aren't snobs about cars, but if you have a Mini Cooper, please put it on Autotrader and get a taxi. They scream CUNTY AIR HOST and are essentially a young girl's car. Would Pierce Brosnan drive one? No. Would Mr Bean? Yes.