Amsterdamaged

When someone mentions Amsterdam to you, what do you think? Tulip bulbs, the Dutch masters, peaceful bike rides down by the canal? Thought not, you filthy filthy individuals. My goodness, if I mentioned Anne Frank to you lot, you'd think it was rhyming slang for male masturbation! Today, I'm going to educate you about people who fly to Amsterdam.

The Amsterdam flight differs depending on where you're flying to and what day of the week. Weekdays are the quietest time, especially early morning. Businessmen are the most common species seen, plus the odd school party going to visit Anne Frank's house. Nothing to report. A nice, civilised uneventful flight. However, evenings and weekends are manic.

Amsterdam is a diverse city full of dykes and bikes. A cultural melting pot of working girls from the Ukraine and 'grafters' from Liverpool, Amsterdam has something for everyone. Let me introduce you to the passengers on my plane.

The shifty solo traveller- British, travelling alone, looking awkward, mid 20s, dressed in chav leisurewear, this person is probably a dealer or a smuggler. He or she will use a fear of flying the 25 minute flight as a cover up for their real fear- getting a cavity search from a large-handed Dutchman on arrival!

The Businessman- I have spoken at length about Mr Businessman. A reasonable looking man in his 40s, he will always make an impulse duty free perfume purchase on the inbound flight. I mean proper perfume, none of this J-Lo and Kylie shite. He's doing a bad job of covering his guilt, you see. Us hosties can smell his fingers. He has been enjoying the sights of Amsterdam with his cock out. In the words of Amy Winehouse, he had no time for regrets, kept his dick wet. The only tulips from Amsterdam he has seen is 'two lips' of a cheap brass in a window clamped round his manhood. Cunt.

The brass- Yes, our airlines transport working girls too. Scary to think that some of the budgets thrive on people trafficking! Some hoes are independent women though, think Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman. Mostly Eastern European, they often fly in their work gear, thigh high boots and those crappy denim skirts that were popular in 2001. Sometimes they're old, their Botoxed faces and obscene boob jobs reminiscent of one of those souvenir aprons from Benidorm contradicting their turkey necks. Brasses often spend a lot of money on duty free make up and that perfume that most people wouldn't wear as it 'smells like a tart's handbag'.

The pimp- Wherever there are pros and dealers, pimps aren't too far behind. Leather jackets, nasty gold jewellery and hair gel, pimps are often well behaved passengers as they don't want to draw too much attention to themselves. In fact, they only identify themselves as pimps when they make their sneaky business-related phone call before take off!