You may have gathered from my previous posts that there are some right tarts in aviation. There are some really skint people too who want a good time, no responsibility and a steady cash flow. They get caught in a rut and live into their overdrafts with no way of making any extra cash. Some girls manage to find an alternative though and a pretty sordid one at that. Yes, that's right, the oldest profession in the world. Here are a few case studies from friends and personal experience and this time, I'm gonna name the airlines- aren't I naughty?
BA- For an airline famous for its stuck up image, some of these cabin crew can be right dirty tarts. My spy said there is a girl who, when flying to the Middle East, has a contact in Dubai who pays her to defecate on a glass coffee table! How disgusting, and to think these people refuse to eat pork as it's dirty...
Easyjet- Easy by name, easy by nature, one quiet member of cabin crew has a large internet presence and 'ahem' fanbase. Her appearance a mixture of available and hard-to-get, this lady appears on various sites under many pseudonyms and personality profiles. I wouldn't go so far to say she's an out-and-out hooker, but meeting men for financial and material gain kind of equates to that....
Ryanair- A network of Eastern European ladies at Stansted base have some ground-based, non tax-paying work, their customers being extremely desperate PILFs and passengers. One pilot was stung one day though, as he had what he thought was a one night stand with one of the girls, only for her to ask him for 50 Euro afterwards!
Emirates- In the so called conservative state of Dubai, where cohabiting is illegal, a selective blind eye is turned to the oldest profession in the world. Whatever the nationality (but mostly Eastern European or South East Asian), these demure stewardesses offer a servicing with a perfectly groomed smile.
Private Jet Companies- No comment. Use your imagination. What do you think?
Monday 30 July 2012
Copycats and Cheats!
Browsing (I mean nosing) on Fakebook the other day and doing some investigative research on my old foes, I noticed some complete tool who I worked with once upon a time has tried to rip off my good name. Now, I hate cheats in any form, whether they are benefit cheats, nicking someone's writing ideas or even those cunts who bring their smartphone into a pub quiz. However, this person knows he won't be able to foil Flight Deck Floozie as I have some information on him which I'm sure his present employer wouldn't look too fondly on. It might be an interesting story in this blog though, as this monstrosity of a human being hasn't just screwed some of his fellow gay cabin crew, but has screwed an organisation out of a large sum of money through his lies! Ladies and gentlemen, if you ever come across a deeply unfunny Twitter account that makes Pam Ann look original and a bad cut-and-paste job of a blog, you know who I mean. Don't waste your bandwidth.
While I'm on the subject of poor, unimaginative writing, let me rant on about 50 Shades of Grey. This author has flogged a dead horse (no S&M pun intended) and the book has only shot to fame because she has contacts in the media. Erotica has been around for years in some form or other, and her book sounds shite. It makes me laugh when people have forked out £7 for this when publishing house Black Lace have been doing this stuff for years for about £2 a pop. Even Z-lister Abi Titmuss turned her hand (sorry!) to erotica in 2006 when she released the steamy 10 Fantasies and former airline pilot Robin Peacock is also drawing on his experiences in the rude world of aviation to pen steamy smut. It's a load of hype that we all know is going to be in the charity shop in 6 months time and even Oxfam will get sick of asking for donations of it! The whole synopsis of 50 Shades sounds boring anyway. Virgin gets seduced by someone only 6 yrs older than herself? That's not seduction. Seduction is when a stewardess, dissatisfied by her current lover, gets ravished by a 40 something silver-haired captain in the Holidsy Inn Express at Stansted Airport. In the throes of passion, he takes off up her runway, admiring her landing strip and tells her 'I'll make you earn your stripes'. The story 'climaxes' humorously when he arrives for duty the following day and the crew complain about a snail trail on the braided cuff of his uniform.
Try and plagiarise THAT, Mr Copycat!
While I'm on the subject of poor, unimaginative writing, let me rant on about 50 Shades of Grey. This author has flogged a dead horse (no S&M pun intended) and the book has only shot to fame because she has contacts in the media. Erotica has been around for years in some form or other, and her book sounds shite. It makes me laugh when people have forked out £7 for this when publishing house Black Lace have been doing this stuff for years for about £2 a pop. Even Z-lister Abi Titmuss turned her hand (sorry!) to erotica in 2006 when she released the steamy 10 Fantasies and former airline pilot Robin Peacock is also drawing on his experiences in the rude world of aviation to pen steamy smut. It's a load of hype that we all know is going to be in the charity shop in 6 months time and even Oxfam will get sick of asking for donations of it! The whole synopsis of 50 Shades sounds boring anyway. Virgin gets seduced by someone only 6 yrs older than herself? That's not seduction. Seduction is when a stewardess, dissatisfied by her current lover, gets ravished by a 40 something silver-haired captain in the Holidsy Inn Express at Stansted Airport. In the throes of passion, he takes off up her runway, admiring her landing strip and tells her 'I'll make you earn your stripes'. The story 'climaxes' humorously when he arrives for duty the following day and the crew complain about a snail trail on the braided cuff of his uniform.
Try and plagiarise THAT, Mr Copycat!
Saturday 7 July 2012
I HATE the cabin crew playlist!
As I heard the news that girl band Little Mix's single was going to be called Wings, I groaned inwardly. Yet another song to be added to the repertoire of the cliched songs that annoying newbie Cabin Crew sing. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, you heard right. Overexcited newbies sing anything related to wings, flying, the sky, above the clouds and believe that these songs are written for them, the chosen ones, the wet behind the ears new cabin crew! Yeah right, like R.Kelly really thinks of some fat lass from Stockport in an ill fitting uniform selling Pringles when he croons I Believe I Can Fly. The ugly truth is, they really believe they can touch the sky.
Those not working in aviation will be shocked to read that the last day of cabin crew training is called 'graduation'. Not in inverted commas either, that was me. These saddos actually believe they are graduating from Oxford but in reality, they left school at 15 and the only qualification they possess is a C in bra size. At this intellectual ceremony, cheap plonk is supped and songs like I Believe I Can Fly are murdered, plus the crew have to make an arse of themselves and sing chosen song with a dance routine in front of their trainers. Even more ridiculous is that crew can actually invite family members to this bizarre graduation. Honestly, do they think the staff of Thorntons prance round in front of their loved ones singing Sweet Like Chocolate? Do the cashiers at Natwest sing Money Money Money when they complete their training? Probably not. So why are cabin crew and their 'trainers' so deluded as to degrade themselves and believe their own hype? Anyway, here's the playlist in full. Read this while I go and vomit at the thought of a bunch of Ryanair chavs singing Theme From Mahogany. Do I know where you're going to? About 30 miles from where you say you are.
Wind Beneath My Wings (that was the beans you had at breakfast)
I Believe I Can Fly (nope, that's the pilot)
Flying Without Wings (I sincerely hope not)
Fly Away (yes, please do)
Love Is In the Air (do you mean the mile high club)
Come Fly With Me (god how predictable)
Do you know where we're going to (I hope we're not diverted to Luton)
Air Hostess (worse when it comes from a vintage trolley dolly)
To the Moon and Back (the planes run out of fuel going to the Costa Brava so I don't think so!)
Please note- some songs that aren't related to flying are sometimes brutally rewritten like Ticket to Fly by the Beatles and Shakira's Underneath The Wing.
Those not working in aviation will be shocked to read that the last day of cabin crew training is called 'graduation'. Not in inverted commas either, that was me. These saddos actually believe they are graduating from Oxford but in reality, they left school at 15 and the only qualification they possess is a C in bra size. At this intellectual ceremony, cheap plonk is supped and songs like I Believe I Can Fly are murdered, plus the crew have to make an arse of themselves and sing chosen song with a dance routine in front of their trainers. Even more ridiculous is that crew can actually invite family members to this bizarre graduation. Honestly, do they think the staff of Thorntons prance round in front of their loved ones singing Sweet Like Chocolate? Do the cashiers at Natwest sing Money Money Money when they complete their training? Probably not. So why are cabin crew and their 'trainers' so deluded as to degrade themselves and believe their own hype? Anyway, here's the playlist in full. Read this while I go and vomit at the thought of a bunch of Ryanair chavs singing Theme From Mahogany. Do I know where you're going to? About 30 miles from where you say you are.
Wind Beneath My Wings (that was the beans you had at breakfast)
I Believe I Can Fly (nope, that's the pilot)
Flying Without Wings (I sincerely hope not)
Fly Away (yes, please do)
Love Is In the Air (do you mean the mile high club)
Come Fly With Me (god how predictable)
Do you know where we're going to (I hope we're not diverted to Luton)
Air Hostess (worse when it comes from a vintage trolley dolly)
To the Moon and Back (the planes run out of fuel going to the Costa Brava so I don't think so!)
Please note- some songs that aren't related to flying are sometimes brutally rewritten like Ticket to Fly by the Beatles and Shakira's Underneath The Wing.
Friday 6 July 2012
It's always the quiet ones....
I used to have an innocent mind. Well, I still do for that matter. My values are rather conservative and am a traditionalist, which rather contradicts my filthy sense of humour (I am an avid reader of Viz magazine and loved Eurotrash.) You could say I talk the talk, but do not walk the walk. I didn't believe people actually did the things I read about in Viz, like Felching, Dogging, Seagulling, Chimping etc- until I joined the Airline. There were no gays where I was from, no single mums, no poppers and rush. Joining the airline was a big learning curve and here are a few dastardly deeds I witnessed/heard/was told from the horse's mouth about....
- One gentleman had acquired a new dildo which was incorporated into one of those 70s space hoppers! I didn't know men used them! Anyway, he was bouncing round the hotel room on his space hopper butt plug, going for the money shot....THEN THE MAID WALKED IN!
-I met my first Bi guy on training. Not only did he get a hand job from an old cougar in the rubbish bins behind the hotel, on his days off, he jetted off to Paris for some anal action. With a PILF.
-One very refined lady who even went to finishing school was having it off with a 60 something PILF who quite frankly, had a face like David Dickinson but the bulging wad of Branson. I wonder what attracted her to him then besides his false teeth and leathery mug. If you're reading this luv, they may have taught you how to hold your cutlery correctly at your posh school, but they obviously didn't teach you about the oldest profession in the world, which is what you're currently working in.
-One of the gays used to like layovers (literally) in Germany due to the sordid practices the local men. His favourite bar was a dungeon and involved leather clad men inserting chains into each other's arses- straight out of pulp fiction!
-One of the girls, now a 'VIP cabin crew' according to her Fakebook, was filthy. She joined the Mile High Club with a passenger, had several pilots and cabin crew and one night in Gatwick, she was feeling horny so even propositioned a female crew member! She declined and then went up to her room with a BANANA for company!!
-One 'lady' had a drunken fling with one of the ground staff at an airport and earned her 'brown wings' with him. She proceeded to soil the bed after and even took a dump in his wardrobe, thinking it was the toilet!
The moral of this story? Cabin crew are filthy and you're best taking a Boots Meal Deal on the plane and not touching anything they offer you.
- One gentleman had acquired a new dildo which was incorporated into one of those 70s space hoppers! I didn't know men used them! Anyway, he was bouncing round the hotel room on his space hopper butt plug, going for the money shot....THEN THE MAID WALKED IN!
-I met my first Bi guy on training. Not only did he get a hand job from an old cougar in the rubbish bins behind the hotel, on his days off, he jetted off to Paris for some anal action. With a PILF.
-One very refined lady who even went to finishing school was having it off with a 60 something PILF who quite frankly, had a face like David Dickinson but the bulging wad of Branson. I wonder what attracted her to him then besides his false teeth and leathery mug. If you're reading this luv, they may have taught you how to hold your cutlery correctly at your posh school, but they obviously didn't teach you about the oldest profession in the world, which is what you're currently working in.
-One of the gays used to like layovers (literally) in Germany due to the sordid practices the local men. His favourite bar was a dungeon and involved leather clad men inserting chains into each other's arses- straight out of pulp fiction!
-One of the girls, now a 'VIP cabin crew' according to her Fakebook, was filthy. She joined the Mile High Club with a passenger, had several pilots and cabin crew and one night in Gatwick, she was feeling horny so even propositioned a female crew member! She declined and then went up to her room with a BANANA for company!!
-One 'lady' had a drunken fling with one of the ground staff at an airport and earned her 'brown wings' with him. She proceeded to soil the bed after and even took a dump in his wardrobe, thinking it was the toilet!
The moral of this story? Cabin crew are filthy and you're best taking a Boots Meal Deal on the plane and not touching anything they offer you.
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