The different breeds of PILF

(pic from www.monarch.co.uk, I do not know these people, but I'll leave it up to you to decide on PILF category!)


Like the cabin crew, pilots come in different breeds too, and like an all you can eat buffet, there is something here to please everyone but don't be greedy and have 'em all!!!

THE SHY VIRGIN
Otherwise known as the cadets. These young scamps are straight out of flight school, usually early 20s and never mind earning their pilot stripes, these guys need to earn their stripes in 'experience with women'! Some of these are even virgins just waiting to be corrupted after years with their heads in their books. I guess there are some things they don't teach you at flight school.... They are usually easy prey for the old cougar cabin crew, who just bin them off after a 'Mrs Robinson' night of passion in a fleapit Travelodge. Traits of the Shy Virgin include a uniform too big for them, bright red cheeks (no, not the arse! That is after the Cougar has her way!) and the tendency to spill coffee all over the centre console, thus grounding the plane.

THE ARROGANT EURO-STUD
Back in the early Noughties, British airlines had a flood of immigration from mainland Europe. UK airlines were recruiting like wildfire, while a few Euro airlines had gone bust. UK was short of skilled pilots, so needless to say this pool of talent (in more ways than one!) ended up flying for UK airlines. The girls and gays loved this Eurovision Snog Contest and earned their stripes 'flying' these continental studs. Whether it was Dutch delights, Swedish sausage or a French fancy, hosties were sure to find a foreign PILF to float their boat. Tall, blond and with a certain charm, these men could charm the panties off the cabin crew- sometimes during the flight! Eurostud is fit and he knows it, but back home in Holland/ France/ Scandinavia, he is Mr Average, so uses his time in England to be a fanny rat. However, go on Eurostud's Facebook page and discover a wealth of family portraits, yes, he usually has a wife and family! Even more worrying is that once Eurostud is out of his stripes, he usually sports a manbag and in hotter climes, budgie smugglers!

GENTLEMAN OF THE SKIES
The classic aviator. 50s, a silver fox, years of flying experience and usually called Nigel, this is a proper old-school PILF. A classy gentleman who provides stimulating conversation and is the thinking woman's eye candy, the Gentleman is wise to the crafty gameplaying of flight deck floozies. This PILF is a keeper!

THE FANNY RAT
(American friends, Fanny isn't an ass in England!)
The Fanny Rat is your dirty player and uses his status to get pussy, to put it bluntly. Fanny Rats are like your average rodent- a bit mousy, sometimes deceptively ugly and out of uniform, you probably would scream if it approached you. Fanny Rat plays up his mediocre looks by using them as a tool for women to feel sorry for him, a bit like some men pretending they are gay to get women to turn them. He might complain about his moobs and portly belly, a cue for desperate hosties to say 'Oh darling, I like you just the way you are'.On nightstops, he might even wheel out the old chestnut like 'my wife doesn't understand me', 'I've been impotent since my missus left' and other greatest hits of philanderers. Call in Rentokil for this stinking rodent!!!

DESPERATE AND DATELESS
A pilot should be beating off ladies with a shitty stick, right? Not this poor chappy. This PILF can't actually attract any ladies! Like a scruffy pigeon puffing its throat regions up to get a mate, this sorry specimen goes on about his car or his new gadgets in a desperate attempt to pull. Usually late 40s, poor dress sense and lives in the type of house which probably has a million quid stuffed in the mattress yet needs decorating, he has missed the boat of hot babes and this could be down to two things. Either he was more interested in plane bodies than ladies' bodies, or he was a Fanny Rat in his younger day and word has got around that he is a jerk-off. However, this poor dude is often the victim of vicious flight deck floozies who often resemble Shrek, which brings me on to my next blog post!

So girls, that's your first lesson on PILFs!

Those magnificent men in their flying machines, or PILFs!

Who doesn't like a man or woman in uniform? Whether it's fit firemen or naughty nurses, most people I know have a favourite uniform. I have to confess, firemen don't do anything for me, I'm into dashing airline pilots.

When I joined The Airline, people used to say to me 'ooh, think of all the hunky pilots!'. Back then, I wasn't interested, I was more interested in looking at the passengers in our Mediterranean destinations, namely Greek Gods and Italian stallions. However, that all changed one day when some dirty bitch of a sky mattress was talking about her latest conquest, Captain Nigel. "His uniform was on my bedsit floor" she breathed. "It felt so hot yet so naughty. Then the next morning, I saw him putting on his stripes..." I was nearly sick, especially thinking about this overweight woman in the bedroom entwined in a hunky airman, but it got me thinking. I am working with men that some women have fantasies about! So, in the great tradition of the MILF, let me present to you- the PILF!

The PILF, like the cabin crew, comes in many different ways (no pun intended, you dirty people!) and has lots of different guises. Some have only faces that a mother could love, so he has to really earn his PILF stripes by having the obligatory Lovely Personality. Some are cheating little Fanny Rats but girls and gays still fall for their charms, the same way starlets throw themselves at womanising Hollywood stars "I can change him!". "His wife doesn't understand him" etc etc. Some are Mr Average and are seen as a conquest for the most brazen of Flight Deck Floozies to pull! Which brings me on to a funny story. There was a first officer at The Airline who looked like Tony Blair, and one girl spread a rumour around about him that he was still a virgin. He let slip one day that he fancied my friend, so I arranged a date for the two of them, much to the ridicule of my friend. She was worried she would be bored on the date, or even worse, have to pop his cherry! So she went on the date.

The date got off to a chatty start, but after a while, she got a bit bored. He was rabbiting on about classical music, and not Russell Watson and Andrea Bocelli, but Beethoven of all people! She thought he was talking about a St Bernard dog! As the evening wore on, my friend was becoming increasingly bored and he even made her pay Dutch- the bill came to 5€ but her drink was 3€ and he made her pay the three piddly euros, didn't even let her off with 50 cents, how chivalrous! They moved on to the next bar, where she was getting desperate for conversation as it was all becoming rather stilted. She dashed to the toilet and texted her friends to rescue her, but told them not to mention they had planned to meet her.

Eventually, her friends came to rescue her, getting the conversation going and managing to keep Tony Blair occupied. Then, she spotted a real hunk across the bar. And he spotted her, too! What's a girl to do? Boring PILF with no conversation or a tall, dark and handsome stranger? So, her friends distracted big ears Blair while she disappeared and pulled the fit bloke! No more flight deck for her then!