Hi passengers! After being suspended from Twitter yet again (think it's because I told the Prince of Dubai he was a permanent fixture in my wankbank but am waiting for Twitter to confirm this, those dumbass Yanks probably don't know what like a like wankbank is like y'all.) I am going to be blogging a lot more now about the issues that affect me and my fellow passengers. Really hard hitting issues like should fat bastards be allowed on planes, should female pilots be allowed to fly on routes with single female girls wanting to cop off with a pilot and is it mandatory that Faro passengers are all ugly twats who have the complexion of a golf ball? Today's hot topic is Economy Plus tossers. If you're of that unfortunate generation of youngsters who only know budget airlines, you won't understand this post.
Most 'proper' airlines offer something called economy plus which is basically the gooch of business and economy class. If you don't know what a gooch is, then go and read a travelogue from a twatty Daily Mail reporter instead. Economy plus is cheaper than business but has more legroom than economy and maybe an extra snack thrown in which leads us to our first Economy Plus twat....
The Foxtrot Bravo
Airline staff know that is the not so secretive codename we give to our lardy passengers, short for Fat Barsteward. Most Foxtrot Bravos live off benefits and tend not to have the wardrobe, the job or the overdraft to pay for business class so they will go for Eco Plus to get that much coveted extra legroom and seat width of course- most fatties suffer bagpeel, their overweight ballbags sticking to the side of the thigh in the style of a cardboard Vienetta box sticking to a poorly maintained freezer and needing to be ripped right off. Fat birds always have those massive norks and don't know what a brassiere is so the extra width of the seat will stop them swinging into the passenger next to them like a wibbly wobbly wrecking ball. There is also a bit extra food on there too. I discovered this when I flew economy plus as I used to be married to a right gobshite who paid for economy plus. He comes into our next category...
Small Man Syndrome
I have nothing against small men as height isn't the first thing I notice when I look at him- fitness is an attitude, a complete package you see- but my ex-husband had a bad case of small man syndrome. He was 5'8 which I don't think is small at all, but it bothered him to the point that he would lie on medical forms about his size and buy trousers too big for him which would be trailing the floor! He also complained about the legroom on most flights and insisted on Economy Plus as a way of asserting his 'manhood'. He couldn't afford the big car, so Eco Plus it had to be instead. Small Man Syndrome sufferers usually are a trolley dolly's worst nightmare too- they tend to pick on the smaller, younger hosties and call them bitches, constantly sending drinks back and pressing that damn callbell. They are the ones who do the check in staff's head in too, demanding the exit row or an aisle seat as 'I am sooo tall and I get cramp in my legs' and when this tactic fails, they use the old 'weak bladder' excuse as 'I am constantly needing the toilet and don't want to disturb my fellow passengers'. Yawn.
Nouveau Riche Chav wannabe
Eco Plus is full of chavs, for some inexplicable reason this is always on Vuuuurgin flights from Manchestuurrr to Orlanduuurrr and are mainly from Sauff Yaaarkshuurr. They probably have decided to upgrade as they have just cashed their sovereigns in on Cash for Gold or sent a load of 90s trance CDs to Music Magpie or their relative has invented yet another fake illness to sue their former employer at the mines/steelworks/biscuit factory. They want to show their bumpkin mates and 'those posh cunts from darn Sarf' that Yaarkshire folk are just as good as everyone else and wear their wealth by wearing their tracksuits to fly Eco Plus. Needless to say, they make the most of the free flowing ale on board. Chantelle, Tyler and Keeley are all rat arsed before they're out of UK airspace!
To summarise:
1. If you can't extend your penis, go Economy Plus
2. Yorkshire people call Orlando Orlandurrr
3. The Prince of Dubai is frigging fit
Tuesday 14 January 2014
Friday 3 January 2014
Thick cunts and practical jokes
Practical jokes are one thing that can make a working day go so much quicker, especially if the joke is on a thick new colleague! Flying is no different to any other job, we LOVE practical jokes here, unless you work for Lufthansa or Flybe that is, where the joke is looking back in the mirror at you. Here are some of our faves:
The Long Stand- an oldie but a goodie. I can't believe people still fall for it, so it's best playing it on some wet behind the ears 20 year old or someone who speaks English as a second language. Rumour has it that a planeload of passengers missed their flight because the pilot never came back after his long stand. I'm not going to describe what happens in a long stand, because if you need that explaining to you, then you are a fucking hopeless bastard.
Petrol Points- The pilot will give the new cabin crew his BP points card and tell her to tell the refueller to add some points to it. Yes, the thick twats fall for it every time.
Safety Demo- the perfect opportunity to make a show of someone in front of a planeload of people. Fill their lifejacket with sugar or drink stirrers. Stick a page 3 girl inside the safety card for the plane to ogle/laugh at. Put something foul smelling in the oxygen mask. Put glue in the seatbelt so the poor twat cannot open it, looking like a right awkward numpty.
Locking someone in the bog- When your new recruit is doing the toilet check or on the toilet, lock them in by lifting up the flap that says 'lavatory' on the door and putting a 1 euro coin in the lock. They can't get out, no matter how hard they try!!! It's funny!!
Posh wank- fill a condom with liquid soap, leave it in the toilet and send them in to do a toilet check
Napkin Service- give a dopey looking new recruit a load of napkins and a pair of tongs and tell her to give each passenger a napkin before landing. She'll love this if it's a budget airline, she'll think she's been promoted to Emirates!
The Long Stand- an oldie but a goodie. I can't believe people still fall for it, so it's best playing it on some wet behind the ears 20 year old or someone who speaks English as a second language. Rumour has it that a planeload of passengers missed their flight because the pilot never came back after his long stand. I'm not going to describe what happens in a long stand, because if you need that explaining to you, then you are a fucking hopeless bastard.
Petrol Points- The pilot will give the new cabin crew his BP points card and tell her to tell the refueller to add some points to it. Yes, the thick twats fall for it every time.
Safety Demo- the perfect opportunity to make a show of someone in front of a planeload of people. Fill their lifejacket with sugar or drink stirrers. Stick a page 3 girl inside the safety card for the plane to ogle/laugh at. Put something foul smelling in the oxygen mask. Put glue in the seatbelt so the poor twat cannot open it, looking like a right awkward numpty.
Locking someone in the bog- When your new recruit is doing the toilet check or on the toilet, lock them in by lifting up the flap that says 'lavatory' on the door and putting a 1 euro coin in the lock. They can't get out, no matter how hard they try!!! It's funny!!
Posh wank- fill a condom with liquid soap, leave it in the toilet and send them in to do a toilet check
Napkin Service- give a dopey looking new recruit a load of napkins and a pair of tongs and tell her to give each passenger a napkin before landing. She'll love this if it's a budget airline, she'll think she's been promoted to Emirates!
Female Pilots
Hi passengers! Long time no see- I've been a bit quiet of late and you've probably been waiting longer for me to post than a young Flight Deck Floozie waits for her Viagra-induced sugar daddy to shoot his load! Anyway, a lot of my male passengers have been asking me one of life's mysterious questions- what are female pilots like? Are they as randy as male pilots or are they a bunch of Clare Balding body doubles?
Like real pilots (sorry, I was a 1950s man of the house there for a bit) and air hostesses, female pilots have different breeds too. Let us begin with the obvious one...
The Female PILF
The female PILF is a right little minx. Usually blonde, British and horsey posh or curvaceous Latina, the female PILF confuses both lads and girls with her mix of beauty and brains. She is Barbie in a man's world. Don't be fooled though, some of them can be right slags but get away with it thanks to their high salary (they ain't no golddiggers) and their combination of posh accent and intellect. Put it this way, you'd never hear a female PILF speaking South Yaaarkshire while watching TOWIE. These broads get their kicks by prickteasing the straight male air hosts, sending out the wrong signals and humiliating the poor bastards behind their backs, telling Base Captain Nigel and her male colleagues the shite chat up lines they come out with. As IF a female pilot would date someone in an orange uniform called Wayne from Bishops Stortford or some other shithole.
The Aviator
This female pilot is a figure to be respected. Never one to talk about her personal life, the Aviator is strictly that. Her first love is planes and people usually assume she is of the lesbian variety but she keeps her cards close to her chest. The conversation is strictly work work work but will play hard with the rest of the crew downroute. A great shoulder to cry on and will always stand up for you and the rest of the crew, the Aviator is the female pilot to admire.
The Token One
All employers deny it, but of course they have to stick to a quota of employing certain minority groups otherwise they'll get their arse sued. In this case, the minority group in question is the ladies. The Token One is usually a mediocre to shit pilot and if it were a man, she'd be sacked on the spot for her conduct. A bad team player (unless the team are men), ditzy and always moaning about that time of the month, The Token One is prone to pulling sickies and barely gets dragged into the office as 'she knows her rights'. She's the one who uses the autopilot to land. Believe me, I've been sat in the back and got my dinner all over me on landing thanks to that cow.
The Butch One
Yes, that old stereotype. There are butch female pilots to complement the dainty air hosts. A winning team. The Butch One is a great mate for lecherous old captains as they can discuss booze and birds together and can drink even the roughest, Yorkshirest Jet2 baggage handler under the table. They're damn good pilots too!
So to summarise:
1. Female pilots can be flight deck floozies too and have probably all joined the mile high club
2. Female pilots are real pilots too and don't have to make the tea and coffee for the captain
3. Yorkshire people are rough and don't tend to work as pilots
Like real pilots (sorry, I was a 1950s man of the house there for a bit) and air hostesses, female pilots have different breeds too. Let us begin with the obvious one...
The Female PILF
The female PILF is a right little minx. Usually blonde, British and horsey posh or curvaceous Latina, the female PILF confuses both lads and girls with her mix of beauty and brains. She is Barbie in a man's world. Don't be fooled though, some of them can be right slags but get away with it thanks to their high salary (they ain't no golddiggers) and their combination of posh accent and intellect. Put it this way, you'd never hear a female PILF speaking South Yaaarkshire while watching TOWIE. These broads get their kicks by prickteasing the straight male air hosts, sending out the wrong signals and humiliating the poor bastards behind their backs, telling Base Captain Nigel and her male colleagues the shite chat up lines they come out with. As IF a female pilot would date someone in an orange uniform called Wayne from Bishops Stortford or some other shithole.
The Aviator
This female pilot is a figure to be respected. Never one to talk about her personal life, the Aviator is strictly that. Her first love is planes and people usually assume she is of the lesbian variety but she keeps her cards close to her chest. The conversation is strictly work work work but will play hard with the rest of the crew downroute. A great shoulder to cry on and will always stand up for you and the rest of the crew, the Aviator is the female pilot to admire.
The Token One
All employers deny it, but of course they have to stick to a quota of employing certain minority groups otherwise they'll get their arse sued. In this case, the minority group in question is the ladies. The Token One is usually a mediocre to shit pilot and if it were a man, she'd be sacked on the spot for her conduct. A bad team player (unless the team are men), ditzy and always moaning about that time of the month, The Token One is prone to pulling sickies and barely gets dragged into the office as 'she knows her rights'. She's the one who uses the autopilot to land. Believe me, I've been sat in the back and got my dinner all over me on landing thanks to that cow.
The Butch One
Yes, that old stereotype. There are butch female pilots to complement the dainty air hosts. A winning team. The Butch One is a great mate for lecherous old captains as they can discuss booze and birds together and can drink even the roughest, Yorkshirest Jet2 baggage handler under the table. They're damn good pilots too!
So to summarise:
1. Female pilots can be flight deck floozies too and have probably all joined the mile high club
2. Female pilots are real pilots too and don't have to make the tea and coffee for the captain
3. Yorkshire people are rough and don't tend to work as pilots
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