Female Pilots

Hi passengers! Long time no see- I've been a bit quiet of late and you've probably been waiting longer for me to post than a young Flight Deck Floozie waits for her Viagra-induced sugar daddy to shoot his load! Anyway, a lot of my male passengers have been asking me one of life's mysterious questions- what are female pilots like? Are they as randy as male pilots or are they a bunch of Clare Balding body doubles?

Like real pilots (sorry, I was a 1950s man of the house there for a bit) and air hostesses, female pilots have different breeds too. Let us begin with the obvious one...

The Female PILF

The female PILF is a right little minx. Usually blonde, British and horsey posh or curvaceous Latina, the female PILF confuses both lads and girls with her mix of beauty and brains. She is Barbie in a man's world. Don't be fooled though, some of them can be right slags but get away with it thanks to their high salary (they ain't no golddiggers) and their combination of posh accent and intellect. Put it this way, you'd never hear a female PILF speaking South Yaaarkshire while watching TOWIE. These broads get their kicks by prickteasing the straight male air hosts, sending out the wrong signals and humiliating the poor bastards behind their backs, telling Base Captain Nigel and her male colleagues the shite chat up lines they come out with. As IF a female pilot would date someone in an orange uniform called Wayne from Bishops Stortford or some other shithole.

The Aviator

This female pilot is a figure to be respected. Never one to talk about her personal life, the Aviator is strictly that. Her first love is planes and people usually assume she is of the lesbian variety but she keeps her cards close to her chest. The conversation is strictly work work work but will play hard with the rest of the crew downroute. A great shoulder to cry on and will always stand up for you and the rest of the crew, the Aviator is the female pilot to admire.

The Token One

All employers deny it, but of course they have to stick to a quota of employing certain minority groups otherwise they'll get their arse sued. In this case, the minority group in question is the ladies. The Token One is usually a mediocre to shit pilot and if it were a man, she'd be sacked on the spot for her conduct. A bad team player (unless the team are men), ditzy and always moaning about that time of the month, The Token One is prone to pulling sickies and barely gets dragged into the office as 'she knows her rights'. She's the one who uses the autopilot to land. Believe me, I've been sat in the back and got my dinner all over me on landing thanks to that cow.

The Butch One

Yes, that old stereotype. There are butch female pilots to complement the dainty air hosts. A winning team. The Butch One is a great mate for lecherous old captains as they can discuss booze and birds together and can drink even the roughest, Yorkshirest Jet2 baggage handler under the table. They're damn good pilots too!

So to summarise:

1. Female pilots can be flight deck floozies too and have probably all joined the mile high club
2. Female pilots are real pilots too and don't have to make the tea and coffee for the captain
3. Yorkshire people are rough and don't tend to work as pilots