How to spot a gold digging cabin crew

Pilots, print this off and keep it in your flight bag in case you get chatted up at work!

The media always portrays gold-diggers as dumb blonde 20-somethings with a penchant for plastic surgery, hair dye, old men about to kick the bucket and not many brain cells. However, this stereotype often distracts men from spotting gold-diggers in disguise! Some have affected posh accents, are chubby, go for young men or are getting on themselves. PILFs, please see my research I have done out in the field, err I mean the back galley, and learn how to spot a bitch!

1. The ugly girl. Fat, big nosed, plain and horrid to other cabin crew, this girl doesn't look like a bimbo. However, get to know her and get her drunk, she will reveal all of her married pilot conquests. I worked with one such girl and her target was older, not so very attractive pilots who were based away from their families. Her speciality was doing services that their wives wouldn't do, like rimming, bullfrogging and swallowing in exchange for cash. In between copulating with chubby airmen, her hobbies included talking down to pretty stewardesses and becoming a fag hag to the gay crew who laughed at her.

2. The non-people person. Average looking but not ugly, reasonably intelligent and with the personality of Kevin and Perry, this stroppy yet lacklustre madam uses her intense boredom as bait. Rude to passengers and not a team player with crew, she will pore over mags and gaze into a coffee cup, pilots catching onto her intense boredom as an excuse to start a convo. She will give the impression she was formerly a Career Woman but has fell on hard times, luring the PILFs in with her feigned intelligence. Once she has gained the PILF's trust, she will make frequent cockpit visits, discussing life, love and politics, subsequently revealing her bitchy side as she lays into her fellow hosties for being thick. I worked with a perfect example- she was highly intelligent but had no emotional intelligence and sought her prey in a grossly overweight captain in a shiny, over-ironed uniform. Now has loads of kids and no longer works as crew.

3. My fair lady. Average looking (ooh there's a pattern emerging here!), council estate upbringing, previous employment at either Cash Converters or as a teen mum at the taxpayer's expense, this 'lady' shuns her working class background and affects an unusual posh accent, a bit like Rosie Webster off Corrie. Her target? Non UK resident PILFs who don't know which are the rough areas of the UK , that way, they can't catch her out. Occasionally, she will forget herself and regional words will slip out like 'canny pet' and 'innit', she may even call a bread roll a 'barmcake' or 'bap', glossed over with her fake accent. Only when she has got a ring on it will she introduce PILF to her estate back home. My case study targeted a chubby singleton who was about as virile as the 40 year old virgin, thankfully illiterate in English chav culture. My word to foreign pilots is to read up on the rough bits of the UK.

4.The stereotypical one. Big fake boobs, giggly laugh, often heard saying 'ooh my nails/spray tan/Ibiza', this is the typical FDF. However, due to being as thick as a butcher's turd, PILFs soon get bored with this breed, as do the girls themselves when they achieve the holy grail of slagdom- scoring with a footy player/Z list Big Brother contestant etc etc etc.

I hope this helps you gentlemen on workplace pulling etiquette. Happy Valentine's Day!