Meet the Cast!

Why does every workplace have annoying cliques? I've never wanted to be part of a clique, well not since I was 12 anyway. I'm one of those people who value my independence too much to follow a crowd like a lost sheep. My airline had some cliques who loved to exclude people, a bit like the film Clueless, but an ugly version! So, while the cliques were being dumb and sheep-like, us normal people were studying them and slotting them into categories. We found that there were distinct categories that our lovely colleagues could be divided into, some complimentary, some embarrassing:

CATWOMAN
A single, middle aged woman who has a bitter jealous dislike of younger females. This woman is often heard talking about her baby but when you enquire about her child, you find out that it is actually a cat or dog! Usually a jobsworth, this woman's mere existence depends on her job- take the job away and she will be nothing. I worked with one who used to actually enjoy cleaning the toilet even though it wasn't on the job description. Ladies, be prepared for her patronising putdowns!

BITTER QUEEN
The older, male, gay equivalent to Catwoman, the only difference is that he is in a steady relationship. BQ is ultra bitchy to young girls like Catwoman and will embarrass himself by flirting with young gay males to the point of harassment. He is pernickety about cleaning too and gets obsessive about girls' ponytail length (size isn't everything) and if the inflight magazines curl up at the edges.

THE CHAVETTE
For the foreign readers, 'chav' is an English word for someone a bit common, uncouth.
Chavette is a bit out of place in the flying world and usually lives on a council estate with mum and 'uncle'. Late teens and early twenties, this will either be her first job or she has previously worked in somewhere not worth writing on a CV like an off license or chippy. As she has probably only been on a plane once, this is not like work for chavette but more of an extended holiday. Desperate to get out of her estate, she will flog duty free for commission like a trooper but due to her background also swears like a trooper- even to passengers! OOPS! She is fun to chat with about last night's telly but don't expect anything too deep as her ambition is to marry a footballer.

THE OLD SLAPPER
The opposite to Chavette, OS is a woman of advanced years and has previously had some well paid but stressful jobs and probably a string of ex husbands. Like a middle aged man in a convertible, OS is going through a midlife crisis. Newly single and in need of a career change, the Old Slapper will throw herself at pilots offering 'a shoulder to cry on' and will act deceptively sophisticated in hotel bars trying to attract a tipsy rich businessman. She will also display Cougar tendencies, preying on some of the young selfconscious pilots and the straight male minority of cabin crew.

FLIGHT DECK FLOOZIE
The bimbo girl whose sole reason for coming to work is to pull pilots. Fat, thin, old, young, she is not choosy as long as it is in uniform and has a healthy bank balance and second home. This shallow individual is not concerned with the career and wellbeing of our airmen, she is a flying prostitute and as soon as one of her brief relationships comes to an end, she can be found giggling in the back galley with her army of bitchy gay mates who she will egg on to write derogatory comments on Facebook about said pilot (or even worse, spit in their tea!) Gives girls who have genuine relationships with pilots a bad name and will also harass them!

THE OVERCOMPENSATOR
A straight, male cabin crew. He will over-emphasise at every opportunity that he is straight and try hard at flirting with both crew and passengers. He laughs at his own jokes and tries to come over all macho with the pilots, striking up discussions about Flight Simulator on the computer much to their amusement! He is in the minority and uses nightstops as the perfect excuse to bed the hosties!

THE STOPGAPPERS
That was me. Those who are interested in the job but see no long term prospects in it. They like the passengers but don't understand the crew who are a bit 'keen'. Like slagging off the company policy and the low IQs of some of the ditzy crew members. Find the job a bit mindnumbing at times so try to make own entertainment on board like starting a political debate! The stopgapper tends not to follow a clique.

THE WANNABE
This person wants to be famous! They have some z-list connections or a mate who has been on Big Brother/ X Factor/ Dirty Homes Uncovered etc. Flying is also a stopgap to them but unlike the true Stopgapper, the Wannabe will still be flying in 10 yrs time! The Wannabe's Facebook page will be full of 'modelling' pictures as she usually claims she has had a stint as a model.

THE TWINK
Twink is gay-speak for a young gay guy and the airline has lots of these! Fun for a gossip but often two faced, Twinks tend to be fairweather friends and flit from one friend group to the next. The life and soul of the party, Twink is brilliant on a night out and can liven up a boring flight. Like with circles of friends, some tend to flit from one airline to another! Rumour has it that one Twink at my airline knew some Bel Ami stars! (if you don't know what Bel Ami is, you certainly shouldn't ask me!)

PERFECT CREW
Some crew just embody flying and yearn for the old school flying of the 70s. The Perfect Crew love the early starts, keep smiling and are interested in the job without being a keen jobsworth. Flying would be a better place if all cabin crew were like this. The perfect rolemodels! Plus, they look fab in uniform!

THE STUDENTS
These have just left uni and aren't sure what they want from life yet. Crewing is their perfect opportunity to travel cheap, they are interested in crew life but the one thing that lets them down is that they still think they're students! Matted hair, tatty uniform and getting up late for flights! So not good crewing....

Welcome on Board

Hello Passengers!

I know what you're all thinking, another cabin crew/travel blog in an already saturated blogosphere! Don't worry, I don't mind if you don't read it or even like it, but I'm doing it for my own memories before they fade away like old photos. Right now, I've got a 'normal' job which I enjoy and a great home life- the time is perfect for me to reminisce about my previous life, a life full of travel, socialising, 'glamour' in some people's eyes and a little bit of chaos, all played out on a stage of hotels, planes and duty free shops! However, this lifestyle ground me down and made me ill, but at the same time it made me grow up and open my eyes to the world. Cabin crew are both ridiculed and admired and I'd like to use this blog to dispel some myths- don't judge on stereotypes. I'll be introducing you to all the different types of people one expects to meet when working for an airline and even tell you some juicy stories!

So you don't get confused, this blog won't be written in chronological order, but it'll be lots of snippets and flashbacks! All you need to know is that it takes place in the Noughties in Western Europe!

Fasten your seatbelt, there could be turbulence....