Embarrassing Bodies for Aircrew

Anyone who says they've never watched Embarrassing Bodies is obviously lying. How can you not be curious to watch some virgin from Macclesfield getting his foreskin rolled back and smegma being surgically removed, or some clappy slapper from Luton displaying her genital warts? Dr Christian often says that some of the ailments he sees are caused by factors that you can control yourself like hygiene, or even atmospheric factors like working conditions, weather etc. Us aircrew experience a host of embarrassing illnesses ourselves and beneath the uniforms, a lot of us have pretty embarrassing bodies worthy of a burka! Here is the ultimate guide to embarrassing aircrew bodies- if Ann Summers are reading this, I don't think they'll make another saucy stewardess or fit PILF uniform ever again!

THRUSH
This word makes me cringe but when people describe it as a yeast infection, that just puts me off eating bread ever again. Thrush often inflicts itself on unsuspecting trainee stewardesses at that useless swimming session that airlines include in their mandatory training. For those who don't know, it involves jumping in a scabby council estate, cockroach ridden baths with a lifejacket, treading water and pretending to save your mate's life. Yeah, like you're really going to be wearing a bikini when you crash land in the Atlantic and have time to pick a pal to buddy up with. Anyway, back to thrush. The swimming sesh is usually in a heavily chlorinated cesspit and the little Hitler Youth wannabes who 'train' you don't really allow you time for a proper shower, hence the onset of THRUSH! Also, the sweaty combo of nylon tights and sweaty cabin of the plane also provide a perfect breeding ground for candida.

IMPOTENCE
Floppy cocks. Erectile dysfunction. Brewer's droop. Dress it up how you want, but there's no denying that some pilots suffer from impotence. Some even carry blueys in their nightstop kits. The long hours, fatigue and job stress have a negative impact on the most essential tool of a pilot's career. That's the penis, not the centre console of the plane.

BAGPEEL
Have you ever been sat on a bus for a long period of time in the height of summer and when you've got off, thought 'God, my bollocks aren't half sweaty' and have practically had to scrape them off your inner thigh? Multiply that by 10 and imagine how pilots feel, stuck in a cockpit for 10 hours a day. This phenomenon is known as Bagpeel, but would love it if Dr Christian could enlighten me on the medical term.

PERIODS
Ladies, your periods will go haywire when you are up in the air. Never mind that Bodyform ad from the 1990s with that Lycra-clad bird jumping out of planes on Dolmio Day, the absolute pain and discomfort will drive you to open the doors and try it yourself. They will go out of sync, the pain can feel somewhat worse due to the bloating of the womb. Some months you may be lucky and not have any at all, but one month you may get 2 of the buggers! Sometimes the blob will come when you don't even expect it. Oh, and PMT will be worse than ever, especially when faced with demanding passengers and older dragon cabin crew whose periods are a distant memory.

STRETCHMARKS
The diet of flying means your weight will be up and down like a plane flown by a woman pilot. This, combined with the bloating that flying causes, causes your skin to stretch and of course, you'll get some beautiful stretchmarks! If you don't drink copious amounts of water, you'll also get some attractive cellulite which means when you'll get to your layover destination, you'll want to wear a burka to the pool instead of your PILF-pulling monokini.

CROWS FEET
If you don't keep up your water and soak your face in a thick moisturiser like Eight Hour Cream or Cream E45, you will be more prone to crows feet and a wrinkly face in general. Flying has been proven to age the skin, hence the more vintage crew looking like AA roadmaps. Whoever said flying was glamourous probably said that back in the 1950s when crew probably flew one sector weeks.

STDs
Yes, of course. There are loads of seedy, promiscuous, dirty cunts in aviation and some do this job just to get laid. Whether you've bummed half of Canal St or are an ugly moose off an estate who can't pull unless you wear your uniform, promiscuity and all the cauliflower shaped warts that go with it are an ever present threat in the airline industry. Some of the sordid activity even takes place on board, so always bag it up lads!

SNOT AND STUFF
Colds are a frequent occurrence for crew- some build up immunity early on but with more and more scum from third world countries outstaying their visas, boarding our planes, they bring more and more horrid diseases with them and pass them on to us. Even some of our own citizens are bringing disgusting illnesses on with them too- it appears it is normal in some parts of the UK to sneeze on to each other and leave your snotty hankies in the seat pocket in front of you. The ground based managers for the airline always say don't fly with a cold, but at the same time, they give you a bollocking for having three periods of absence in six months. It's ok for them, they're in their clean little office, they don't have to touch flu ridden Ukrainians in double denim. Sometimes the snot and stuff can get very nasty, causing a blockage in the Eustachian tube (that's the tubes between nose and ears), causing immense pain on landing and in some cases, bursting eardrums.

The Ryanair Porn!

If you were based in the Stansted area around 2006 and you had Bluetooth on your phone, chances are you were an unfortunate recipient of Ryanair's own blue movie. If you worked elsewhere or weren't even in the airline industry, let me enlighten you.

The Ryanair Porn was a horrific piece of cinematography that made the Human Centipede look like a romantic comedy, its ugly images imprinted on my brain which make a Google image search of Blue Waffle look like scenes of woodland and green pastures. It's not that anything illegal and wrong took place, it was just normal intercourse (sorry to sound clinical, we are talking about a no-frills airline here) with a solitary cumshot, it's the mere fact that it was with two ugly people who work for the most unerotic airline since United. Lads, does that polyester blue uniform in a size 16, coupled with flat granny shoes do it for you? Unless you're Wayne Rooney, the answer is probably no. Girls, do malnourished looking lads from the Midlands wearing what looks like a Man at C&A suit with a couple of stripes stitched on give you a wide-on? No, me neither. So this is what makes the RyanPorn have all the arousal capability of a David Attenborough documentary on seabirds.

I've searched high and low on IMDB, Twitter and various other forums, but I can't seem to find the actors' names. However, when I was bluetoothed the movie, the file name was JuicyLucyxxx. I have established that the female is either Czech, Slovakian or Italian which means in reality, she is probably Polish, and the pilot is from that nondescript arsehole of England that is neither North nor South and speaks commonposh. The girl is a bit of a fatty and has a classically unusual physiognomy, which translates as looking like one of those freaks from channel 5 documentaries about incestuous couples and cousin marriage. He is pasty and suffers from premature ejaculation- either that, or he can time his cumshot to fit neatly into a 2 minute bluetoothable clip. The film climaxes (excuse the pun) by the fat lass saying to the skinny pilot 'are you making me breakfast now'? How desperate must you be to admit that you're such a fat, greedy mare, you would get creampied off a pilot while being filmed on a Nokia cameraphone just for a free meal? What would she do on camera if it were a free selection box? Bukakke? Or scat for a Nando's?

If any of the stars of this film are reading this, I'd love to know how your careers are going. Please get in touch xxxx

PS Please note that Ryanair has nothing to do with the production of this movie, it just happened that its stars worked for them. It doesn't mean that O'Leary hasn't wanked over it though.