The Ryanair Porn!

If you were based in the Stansted area around 2006 and you had Bluetooth on your phone, chances are you were an unfortunate recipient of Ryanair's own blue movie. If you worked elsewhere or weren't even in the airline industry, let me enlighten you.

The Ryanair Porn was a horrific piece of cinematography that made the Human Centipede look like a romantic comedy, its ugly images imprinted on my brain which make a Google image search of Blue Waffle look like scenes of woodland and green pastures. It's not that anything illegal and wrong took place, it was just normal intercourse (sorry to sound clinical, we are talking about a no-frills airline here) with a solitary cumshot, it's the mere fact that it was with two ugly people who work for the most unerotic airline since United. Lads, does that polyester blue uniform in a size 16, coupled with flat granny shoes do it for you? Unless you're Wayne Rooney, the answer is probably no. Girls, do malnourished looking lads from the Midlands wearing what looks like a Man at C&A suit with a couple of stripes stitched on give you a wide-on? No, me neither. So this is what makes the RyanPorn have all the arousal capability of a David Attenborough documentary on seabirds.

I've searched high and low on IMDB, Twitter and various other forums, but I can't seem to find the actors' names. However, when I was bluetoothed the movie, the file name was JuicyLucyxxx. I have established that the female is either Czech, Slovakian or Italian which means in reality, she is probably Polish, and the pilot is from that nondescript arsehole of England that is neither North nor South and speaks commonposh. The girl is a bit of a fatty and has a classically unusual physiognomy, which translates as looking like one of those freaks from channel 5 documentaries about incestuous couples and cousin marriage. He is pasty and suffers from premature ejaculation- either that, or he can time his cumshot to fit neatly into a 2 minute bluetoothable clip. The film climaxes (excuse the pun) by the fat lass saying to the skinny pilot 'are you making me breakfast now'? How desperate must you be to admit that you're such a fat, greedy mare, you would get creampied off a pilot while being filmed on a Nokia cameraphone just for a free meal? What would she do on camera if it were a free selection box? Bukakke? Or scat for a Nando's?

If any of the stars of this film are reading this, I'd love to know how your careers are going. Please get in touch xxxx

PS Please note that Ryanair has nothing to do with the production of this movie, it just happened that its stars worked for them. It doesn't mean that O'Leary hasn't wanked over it though.