Fit Passengers

Today, I was daydreaming about all my lovely Twitter followers and the great feedback I've been having. I'm working in a normal job now, with no contact to the general public and was thinking about things I miss about The Airline. Some of my Twitter followers are a saucy bunch, so I bring you The Airline guide to chatting up and eyeing up fit men on board!

Sometimes, us girls and gays would be incredibly bored and we'd need something or someone to brighten up our days. Airlines tend to go through peaks and troughs of recruitment- one year, you can see a new PILF on the flight deck every week, the next year, there'd be a recruitment freeze and last year's hot PILF would just blend in to the background and become less fit as the airline lifestyle takes its toll. Our wandering eyes would then turn to our bread and butter- the general public who flew on our planes!

I'm going to teach you two new phrases now, BOB and Foxtrot Bravo. These are polar opposites. BOB stands for Best On Board, that one passenger who wins the coveted accolade as being fit as a butcher's dog. The aim was to pick out a BOB each flight, which would sometimes prove difficult if you were flying to Budapest where all the blokes weighed about 8 stone and looked like their mums dressed them. It was also difficult flying to England from somewhere like the Algarve- Victor Meldrew elderly golfer lookalikes all round- PHWOARRR! The best flights for BOBs were any central European business hub (suited and booted hunks), Greece (proper Greece though, not shite places like Zakynthos which are full of stags from Macclesfield as opposed to swarthy Adonises from Athens), and the Middle East (Arab stallions!)

Foxtrot Bravo is the politically correct term for Fat Bastard. For some reason, cabin crew think only they know the phonetic alphabet and they can say Foxtrot Bravo about Rik Waller-sized people without anyone twigging what it means. If another crew member alerts you with Foxtrot Bravo, that is your cue to fish out a seatbelt extension.

So whether you're fat or fit, now you know if your cabin crew is talking about you!

The Turbulence Check was another good way to eye up people. My gay buddies loved this part of the job, as it meant checking to see if all the seat belts were fastened- which also meant you could check out their packages! Sometimes, when it was turbulent, depending on where you were sitting on the plane, you would occasionally see some passengers trying to hide semi-ons! The early morning flights were the best for this, the combination of flying through time zones, having a snooze and light turbulence would mean you would spot a few Morning Glories!
If we ever saw a hot passenger in the aisle seat, us girls would pretend we were light on our feet during the turbulence and fall on them as an excuse for some bodily contact! What an icebreaker!

Another way to pass the time would be a BOB beauty contest. Best played with a mix of gays and girls to get a fair result, or a completely straight male crew, each of us would pretend we were doing a security check but in reality, we would write down the seat numbers of passengers we fancied. We'd all do it independently of each other then compare notes, meaning much debate ensued as to what was hot or not!

The sick passenger was another great chat up excuse. There was a fit BOB once who was terrified of flying, so I kept stroking his leg in a 'consoling' manner. There was another fit Eurohunk of a businessman who had the squits (of all possible illnesses, this is just one up from piles!) but I displayed great empathy and gave him my last Imodium with a flourish. The things you do when you're young and have crushes!!

So, what have we learned today?

1) Your cabin crew are quite possibly ogling you and discussing how tight your arse is
2) Not just pilots are fit, passengers are too
3) You get semi-ons if you sit over the landing gear in turbulence
4) If you're really fit, even getting the delhi belly won't detract from your hotness.

Have a pleasant onward journey.