Shit Happens...Literally

Let me tell you a little story involving infidelity and sins of the flesh. This story may be an urban myth at The Airline, but it could also be true, judging by some of the characters who work there. Be warned, if you have a nervous disposition, please stop reading!

The flight started off smoothly, but turbulence would affect this crew once at their destination, Madrid, where it would reach an almighty, unforgettable climax. First Officer Dutchman (who will remain nameless, the only thing I shall reveal is his nationality) was in the mood for pushing the boundaries and partying like a rockstar. As a Dutchman, he had a reputation to live up to- for some reason, everyone thinks Holland is full of kinky pervs into cock n ball torture, threesomes with sheep and watersports, but this Dutchman was rather conservative. He got up for work and went home to his pretty wife. However, his mind was like the top shelf in Ann Summers. There were so many things he wanted to try, his life was passing him by. He decided tonight would be the night he would take the plunge into the unknown world of buggery.
Gay Steward was very excited boarding the plane at Gatwick. He had packed some Rush and all his favourite appliances he could sneak past customs- buttplugs, ball gags and a Triga movie on his phone. He was hoping to get laid in Madrid- Spaniards are well fit. He always fantasised about being taken roughly by flight deck, but all pilots are straight, right?
During the flight, chemistry built up between the two, which continued into the night in Spain, culminating in a room party, just the two of them. The plucky steward decided to take the plunge- into the Dutchman's willing bottom. The two guys had a night of pure pleasure and indulgence, but all good things come to an end.
The next day on the flight deck, our experimental first officer was doing his pre-flight checks when he got the familiar rumbling in his tum after morning coffee. He needed the toilet quickly, he had a turtle's head badly. However, last night's shenangigans came back to haunt him. After all that unfamiliar sphincter action, he lost control, followed through and had a prolapse IN THE FLIGHT DECK!!!!!!!!

Unfortunately, both co-pilot and steward are unavailable to comment. If you are reading this and think it could be you, please contact me for an interview!

Cougar alert- but she was no MILF!

What are your first thoughts when you see a couple with a huge age-gap? Disgust? Admiration? Indifference? We are bombarded with images of super studs like Hugh Hefner and Peter Stringfellow with their much younger babes, but when we look into it, the attraction is obviously his money and her looks. But have you ever seen a couple where you can't pinpoint why they are together? This case study explores an age-gap relationship with a difference as it involves a cougar in her 50s and a geeky looking PILF in his late 20s. This odd couple found love in the flight deck (where else?)thanks to a mutual interest of ...erm...hang on...err...working together? I don't honestly know!

The pilot in question would go into the category of Shy Virgin, but the problem was, he was married and had a son. His wife was pretty and nobody understood why he was cheating on her with this crone. The cabin crew member in question was a rather intelligent lady and had had a good job in her previous life, from which she had been made redundant. It was like she was doing this cabin crew job just to get laid! She didn't look like a cougar either. Quite plain, looked her age and tried too hard to fit in with the young'uns, this character was becoming a common feature of cabins since some airlines got in trouble for not employing the older generation. The equal opportunities quota, some would say. Sometimes, a bit of jealousy would creep in when working with the younger girls, but other times, she would suck up to girls dating PILFs as this was her gateway to getting laid.

The torrid affair continued..and continued. She was often quoted as saying "His wife doesn't understand him"- my goodness woman, you are truly thick as pigshit! "He is only with her as they have a son, they have separate beds when he goes to the family home" - yeah and the moon is made of cheese. He even changed airlines to one closer to his wife's hometown, yet the sordid bumping of uglies continued, on the plane and in the car, they were like a pair of alley cats. Eventually, I managed to put two and two together as to what he saw in her. He had obviously heard cautionary tales of babytrapping, so he decided to go for a lady who had gone through the menopause, as there'd be no chance she'd get preggers! But this has-been hostie still yearned for the love of a pilot and as we speak now, she is pushing her cart in the sky thinking 'drinks, snacks or a shag' with one beady eye firmly on the cockpit.

Pilots beware- she ain't nothing but a GOLD DIGGER!

Men get such a bad press for being users and players, but guess what, some women are just as bad. I hate seeing people being blatantly used, especially when it's for financial gain. So gentlemen, let me just give you a friendly warning of some wolves in sheep's clothing who have infiltrated the airline industry! Some of these gals have stacked shelves and robbed from the pound shop in a previous life, yet have tried to transform themselves to try and bag a PILF. I'm a fabulous judge of character though, and can see through a seemingly innocent disguise. Read my first case study and whatever you do, don't tell any trolly dollies your mother's maiden name and your PIN number!!!!

Case study 1- Fat Arse babytraps Desperate and Dateless

We always work with someone who irritates us, and Fat Arse was no exception. However, some people may have ugly personalities and a fit body, while some have a hideous face but a generous nature. Fat Arse had no redeeming features whatsoever. She was what Paris Hilton would call a Hungry Tiger; in other words a leech, a gold-digger. When I first met Fat Arse, I was taken in by her seemingly friendly personality and felt quite sorry for her. She battled with her weight, her 'tache and was the wrong side of thirty yet had nothing to show for it. While we chatted, the discussion turned swiftly to flight deck and who was single. Whoa there! I now had her sussed. She didn't strike me as a floozie at first due to absence of style and cleavage, she looked more the type to bake cakes for the pilots, not shag their brains out, but that's a wolf in sheep's clothing for you. Once she had some targets in sight, she began to gradually change. Her regional accent was replaced by an affected posh voice, her council estate roots were glossed over, the fact that she left school with no qualifications and was thick as pigshit was never mentioned again. The weight fell off, her moustache waxed, hair dyed, but she still looked like Olive from On the Buses. A lot of people saw through her deception and her desperate vibes as she threw herself at various pilots, none of which would be considered a PILF. She even lapsed one night and screwed cabin crew, a particularly ugly specimen at that, a straight Overcompensator. Fat Arse's biological clock was ticking and the pounds were piling on again, fast action was needed...
As a stroke of luck would have it, an influx of fresh meat arrived at The Airline, potential suitors to impregnate Fat Arse, marry her and clear her of her credit card debt. It was still a minefield though, one even stood her up! However, their eyes met across a crowded baggage carousel. A new arrival who fit into the Desperate and Dateless category was like a lamb to the slaughter. The only time this guy had ever been kissed before was at a Pull a Pig contest at Chicago's bar. They fell in love, him relieved to finally get chatted up, her relieved that her debts would finally be paid and she had a cash machine for life. Now, the poor fool has been babytrapped and unlikely to leave the evil clutches of Fat Arse.

Gentlemen, let this be a cautionary tale. If you too are desperate and dateless, don't let people know this, especially not ruthless hosties who see you as a walking cash machine.