Dubai Stepford Pilot WAGs from hell

Hi again you bunch of pikey Jet2 lovers! I've got a bit of time on my hands so I thought I'd write a few more social observations of my past down before I obliterate them from my memory. As you may know from Twitter and previous blog posts, I used to live in Dubai, the city of contrast. I had a love/hate relationship with the place, the main thing I hated was the behaviour of people. Nouveau riche chavs from Doncaster, lots of fakery, poor human rights, 1950s behaviour towards women and slave labour all meet in this wonderfully modern immigration experiment! However, I want to tell you about an annoying group of people called the Flight Deck WAGs, otherwise known as Angry Birds.

In Dubai, the two major airlines are Emirates and their low cost bastard lovechild known as FlyDubai. FlyDubai are a bit like Easyjet but their destinations aren't as bad as Alicante and Ibiza, they fly to cleaner, more developed places like Chittagong and Uzbekistan. Down the road in Abu Dhabi is Etihad, but their employees and employees' spouses are somewhat nicer. It's the Dubai set who are the real cunts.

The pilot WAGs are a bland looking bunch. Back in the UK, pilot WAGs either seem to be intellectual heavyweights or fit trophy birds, or maybe even both. Out in the Middle East, they are a bizarre combination of WI members meet Job Centre. They all seem to wear a uniform of capri pants in white, ugly shoes like kitten heels or Crocs, bleach blonde bob and a garish concoction of Laura Ashley and Primark. They also have fat arses, I don't know if that's a prerequisite or they're just spending hubby's sector pay at Dunkin Donuts. Back home, they have either worked as budget airline trolley bags where they have snared their PILF or had a shite job in a call centre or an airport branch of Boots. God knows what some PILFs look for in a bird. Anyway, they are desperately homesick and see themselves as some sort of martyr with the same lost and lonely look with a dash of bitchiness as Victoria Beckham when David went to LA Galaxy. In their minds eye that is, Emirates pilots are no Goldenballs and their spouses are about 8 stone heavier than Posh. To quell the homesickness, they spend their time blogging (pot, kettle, black HAHA), showing off on Facebook to their friends back home, learning how to use Skype, shopping at Whittards in the mall as they think it's oh so British and finally, their most beloved pursuit of all. Trolling. Yes, these sophisticated WAGs love nothing more than to troll other expat women on an annoying website called www.expatwoman.com. See for yourself! They cast judgement, they critique and all they talk about is spending hubby's money! How lovely.

There is a cunty club they can all join called Emirates Pilot Club which enables them to get discount in gyms and overpriced restaurants. The catch is the membership is more than the discount- they wield these cards like an 18 year old student displaying an NUS card, eagerly asking in every shop they go in for discount, thinking it gives them some sort of power. It just outs them as the tight Yorkshire slappers they are. You can take the girl out of the estate and all that....

Right, I'll blog a bit more later about these twats who boiled my piss during my time in Dubai.

Geography and History lessons with thick cabin crew

Don't know much about history? Don't know much Geography? Don't know much about the French you took? It's about time you worked for frigging Ryanair then. You'll be perfect. It's not just Ryanscare who employ complete bulbs though. At The Airline, I met several thick cunts who I am ashamed to say were my coworkers. Here are some nuggets of intellect I heard during my time:

- Him 'Wales doesn't have an airport' Me: 'Yes it does, but we don't fly there, Cardiff' Him: 'Hahaha you silly cow, Cardiff's near Liverpool!'

- Do you want ice with your red wine?

- Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Scotland's capital city, Glasgow.

-Welcome to Turkey's capital, Istanbul. (wow, a time travelling plane! Next stop Constantinople)

-We also fly to Edinborough (Isn't that where Neighbours is filmed? ;) )

-So you're Muslim and can't eat ham? Never mind, we have bacon sandwiches.

- Rome's a bit nicer than the other parts of Spain, innit?

- There's a wall thing in Germany isn't there? Isn't there a nightclub thing or something called Checkpoint Charlie?

- Eeeee! The Greeks are all coming over for visas!

- The French girls don't look after themselves like we do. You never see them use sunbeds or have false nails.

- Oh my goooood, the pilots are like overpaid bus drivers!

- Oh look, there's a country called Jordan! Do you think she knows there's a country named after her?

- We don't accept foreign money (said when presented with Scottish and Irish pounds)

- What's the exchange rate between Spanish Euros and French Euros? Can you spend each others?

- I don't speak Belgium (worryingly, a pilot said this)

- Me 'this sandwich has salami on'. Dumb council estate 18 year old stewardess 'IT'S NOT SALAMI IT'S PEPERAMI!!!'