I HATE the cabin crew playlist!

As I heard the news that girl band Little Mix's single was going to be called Wings, I groaned inwardly. Yet another song to be added to the repertoire of the cliched songs that annoying newbie Cabin Crew sing. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, you heard right. Overexcited newbies sing anything related to wings, flying, the sky, above the clouds and believe that these songs are written for them, the chosen ones, the wet behind the ears new cabin crew! Yeah right, like R.Kelly really thinks of some fat lass from Stockport in an ill fitting uniform selling Pringles when he croons I Believe I Can Fly. The ugly truth is, they really believe they can touch the sky.

Those not working in aviation will be shocked to read that the last day of cabin crew training is called 'graduation'. Not in inverted commas either, that was me. These saddos actually believe they are graduating from Oxford but in reality, they left school at 15 and the only qualification they possess is a C in bra size. At this intellectual ceremony, cheap plonk is supped and songs like I Believe I Can Fly are murdered, plus the crew have to make an arse of themselves and sing chosen song with a dance routine in front of their trainers. Even more ridiculous is that crew can actually invite family members to this bizarre graduation. Honestly, do they think the staff of Thorntons prance round in front of their loved ones singing Sweet Like Chocolate? Do the cashiers at Natwest sing Money Money Money when they complete their training? Probably not. So why are cabin crew and their 'trainers' so deluded as to degrade themselves and believe their own hype? Anyway, here's the playlist in full. Read this while I go and vomit at the thought of a bunch of Ryanair chavs singing Theme From Mahogany. Do I know where you're going to? About 30 miles from where you say you are.

Wind Beneath My Wings (that was the beans you had at breakfast)

I Believe I Can Fly (nope, that's the pilot)

Flying Without Wings (I sincerely hope not)

Fly Away (yes, please do)

Love Is In the Air (do you mean the mile high club)

Come Fly With Me (god how predictable)

Do you know where we're going to (I hope we're not diverted to Luton)

Air Hostess (worse when it comes from a vintage trolley dolly)

To the Moon and Back (the planes run out of fuel going to the Costa Brava so I don't think so!)

Please note- some songs that aren't related to flying are sometimes brutally rewritten like Ticket to Fly by the Beatles and Shakira's Underneath The Wing.