Social networking etiquette for Cabin Crew

I get a lot of tweets from my Passengers (Cheryl Cole has soldiers, I have passengers, ok?) laughing at cliched shite they see on the Facebook pages of airline staff. Some people have no imagination whatsoever when it comes to social networking and tweet/facebook in a style of a 10 year old writing an essay on what they did in the summer holidays. Some even state the effing obvious, like in summer they will write 'flights full of Benidorm chavs', 'it's too hot here', 'going for a swim'...you get the drift. Here are the dos and don'ts of what to write on Twitter and Facebook:

Twitter bio- yawn. If I see hostess with the mostest, tart with a cart, international jetsetter and the like one more time, I'm going to throw my laptop through the nearest window. That's like the Twitter version of when you were a kid and the teacher used to give you a bollocking for starting every story with 'once upon a time'. Unless you fly VIP, you're not a hostess, especially if you work for Ryanair. You can only get away with Tart with a Cart if you're fit, not a middle aged single mum of 3 flogging Pringles on Jet2. International jetsetter is fine if you're a celebrity or working for a longhaul carrier, but it sounds a bit daft when you're working for BMI Regional going to Norwich on an Embraer 135. I know Norwich might look like a different country at times, what with them all inbreeding in that part of the country, but trust me, it's not international.

The Disclaimer- you know what I mean. That shitty phrase that novice hosties put on to make them look like Piers Morgan or someone of equal weight in the media. 'Views are my own and not my employer'. Yeah right. Tweeting that the weather is hot or you want Matt Cardle to win the X Factor is really that scandalous, that your budget airline employer would have no option but to rip up your fixed term contract. It doesn't make you look important, it makes you look ridiculous. Plus, if you want to slag off your company, make racist comments or call your passengers 'chavs', either get a fake profile or rethink your career. Customer service obviously isn't for you, get back on benefits.

Location, 38,000 ft- yawn. You don't live in the plane for god's sake. Just because you're embarrassed to say you're from Doncaster or somewhere. Most hosties go on Twitter to pull, so it's a bit better in their eyes not to mention that they're from an estate.

Facebook statuses- I am knackered. I am on days off. I'm on standby. I had shit passengers today. Listen, most of the population work, it's nothing new. Yes, being a hostie is a fun job but it's not like you're splitting the atom is it? you're not performing pioneering life saving surgery? You want people to take cabin crew seriously? Act it then.

Photos- Please. I started crewing 10 yrs ago and believe me, there's nothing original about 90% of the pics you upload. Even my non-crew Twitter Passengers have commented about how repetitive the pics are. Shoving two Pringles in your gob to create a duck's beak is no longer funny. It just shows you work for a crap airline that thinks Pringles constitute a nutritious meal. The one pretending to open the door inflight- wow you're really scaring me! Oh no, you'd be a menace to fly with! The one where you grab a gay Air Host and pretend to enrol in the Mile High Club- yawn. You're not teasing anyone, there's plenty of proper airline porn on Xhamster. The one where you've picked up the interphone- are you trying to copy Gordon Gekko in Wall St or are you trying to show off 'look at me, I'm messing with the plane's equipment!' Do you take pics of yourself on the intercom in your flat as well? The one with you getting in the locker is as old as the hills. Unless you're about 30 stone and you're trapped in there, then it's not funny!

The more serious crew don't take these photos, they have another genre of Facebook photography that leaves David Bailey seething with jealousy. They take nondescript photos of clouds with the oh-so-original caption 'view from my office', usually accompanied by a series of emoticons. It's not your office, honey. Do you think coal miners take pics of their pit and say 'my office'? Even worse, they'll take an arty pic of the fuselage through Instagram, because a bright orange Easyjet looks so much classier in sepia, right?

The employment section on Facebook- If you're not working for the SAS, MI5 or flying VIPs around the globe, then chances are it's no big secret who you work for. Some of the twats on my Facebook put their employment is 'an airline', 'at 38000 ft', 'a big metal tube', 'the world's favourite airline', 'a great Orange airline', 'Jet To', 'Airline in the sandpit'. Why the fake secrecy? You don't get people working for Tesco saying they work for 'Every Little Helps' or office personnel saying 'a shitty 1960s prefab on an industrial estate' do you? The only time it's worth being vague about your employer is if you work for Ryanair.

Nightstops- The quality of cabin crew nowadays isn't what it was. Employers are being less fussy and recruiting estate rats, illiterates and pond scum. Some of the crew probably haven't even stayed at a hotel before. Don't show yourselves up by tagging yourself in the Holiday Inn. Everybody knows you don't go to a Holiday Inn out of choice and there's nothing holidayish about the place. Don't take photos of the minibar, but telling you that is like telling you not to take pics of your fridge at home, you sad cunts do it anyway. Please refrain from taking pics of the sachets of Nescafe and the complimentary Elizabeth Shaw mints. They are not complimentary, the extortionate hotel rates cover the cost of said 'luxury' item. Finally, do not take pics of the breakfast buffet. All hotels, even the shit boarding houses that charge hourly rates have these. Only take a pic if there is a naked pilot with grapes covering his manhood on the buffet.

To summarise:

1. Instagram doesn't make you David Bailey
2. Airlines employ lots of chavs these days
3. Your Facebook friends may be laughing at and not with you