TV Review- Easyjet Inside The Cockpit

Good evening everyone, yes even you, the deportee sitting in the last row of economy! I have been convinced to come out of my self imposed retirement by all my die hard Flooz fans as they all want to know my view on that new Sleazyjet programme. Excuse the typos in advance, I'm composing this review on the toilet of a Flybe Dash 8.

Easyjet are getting a hard time by the press and public as usual along with 99.9% of other airlines in the world, usually because someone called Chantelle has lost her Tyler's Trunki, or Demi-Rose and Mason are going on a 'babymoon' whatever that means and are suing the airline for gastroenteritis as they sharted during their holiday. Chavs and their compo claims will never change.

So, when I saw Easyjet were making a new docusoap, I was praying for sonething similar to the previous one involving French blokes in shit clothes brawling with check in staff about missed connections or Scousers on a stag party dressed as Borat. Then I heard it was about Flight Deck and my excitement turned to another kind of excitement. I was hoping for PILFs, fit hot aviators of the sky. I prepared for this beanflicker of a series but alas, Id have been better watching Fake Taxi.

5 minutes into the show, it felt like I was watching an episode of the inbetweeners, I gleefully expected them to say Plane Wanker or Bumder. The pilots were all a bit on the young side for me, the training captain was a bit of a silver fox but still no eye candy. The whole show reeked of political correctness and positive gender discrimination. Since I started flying, the whole calibre of PILF seems to have gone from dashing airmen to a bunch of mockney wankers using Daddy's money to go to CTC who do the PA in the style of Parklife 'welcome on board flight 69 to Amsterdam gets intimidated by the pigeons, they love a bit of it Parklife!' or scruffy Northerners who use regional dialect and get words mixed up despite being native speakers of English. I flew with one Yorkshireman who said Australia is in the Anti Podes instead of the proper 'antipodees' pronunciation, and An-car-a in Turkey. The Polish cleaners at Gatwick should take over PA duties. We have a lot of female pilots making their way in the horny skies now too, but although I am for women in aviation, I don't believe that companies like EasyJet should turn down a man for a role in favour of a woman just so they look positively discriminatory. Equal rights mean equal chances at jobs-that is true gender equality, not these bollocks female pilot initiatives that Sleazyjet are going on about.

The programme did nothing to persuade me to book with Sleazyjet and when the so-called eye candy of the flight deck was going on about Tinder, I got excited and thought maybe Easyjet had dragged itself into the 21st century amd put wifi on the planes. No chance. Poor sod didn’t even have a layover to up his online dating game and from the image he portayed of himself would probably get cockblocked by a baggage handler should he go on the pull in the Northern Quarter. The cabin crew left a lot to be desired too, the senior looked about 12 (what’s the female equivalent of saying his balls haven’t dropped yet?) and bizarrely the juniors looked as if they still remember BOAC. After about 10 minutes, I got bored with this televisual plug for Sleazy and longed for the days of Celeb Air (shite airline related reality show with Lisa off Steps in) and the fake PILF episodes of Corrie from 1998.

To summarise:
1) low cost airlines’ PILFs have to pay to come to work. Fake Taxi would be a better career move.
2) TV no longer has decent docusoaps. We will never have a Jane McDonald or a Just Cook Will Ya chef again.
3) UK airlines no longer have quality PILFage. Emirates it is or maybe even IranAir.