Covert Research aka The Interview!

FDF has been rather naughty recently- don't worry, I've not participated in Brown Sports with a KLM training captain or been flagellated by a Nazi dominatrix from Lufthansa, but I have had a job offer of returning to the skies which I politely declined (and a really friendly guy from Manchester got offered the job instead- ex BMI crew, passionate and an asset to the skies to boot!) I attended the interview in the hope I would get a blog post out of it so here are my findings!

I turned up at the airport on time and thought I'd turned up at my sixth form common room back in 1998. Fashion and behaviour-wise. Have standards declined so much in the time I've been out of the loop or at 30, have I turned into one of those sad fuckers who always say policemen are looking younger? I took in the scene before me and I spotted the object that most employers take the piss out of. You guessed it, the Record of Achievement folder. For those too old, too young or too foreign to know what I'm on about, this folder was (or still is? Who knows) given to schoolkids to prepare them for the rocky path of job seeking. In it, you documented achievements at school like punctuality, certificates you got for shite like getting 100% in a French Oral (and I don't mean fellatio with an Air France hottie) and as you progressed through school, you were supposed to write personal statements, what you wanted to be when you grew up and how you were to achieve that goal. Now, in actual fact, these folders were used to make you feel grown up and have some sort of responsibility about your career, but nobody over the age of 20 were expected to carry these round. These folders give the impression of an awkward teenager on their first day of work experience on the production line in a horse lasagne factory. Darling, if you carry one of those horrors, you are game for practical jokes. These folders SCREAM 'send me for a long stand'.

The majority of the interview attendees were from Yorkshire for some reason (can I please stress that I did NOT attend a Jet2 interview!) and I don't know if it's a regional thing but the interview attire was awful. Scuffed ballerinas do not a good impression make, it's ok if you're runnin' dahn t' shop but it only embellishes cankles and the fact you look like a tonne of King Edwards in a body stocking. I also saw the dreaded shoes, the forbidden shoes that nobody should ever, ever wear, unless it's fancy dress. Yes, I'm talking about kitten heels, the most pointless, unflattering shoes ever to have existed since Crocs. I also spotted a few rotund ladies in bodycon skirts- I wear bodycon myself but a) I am a size 6 and b) I am not attending a job interview. How are you expected to fashion a suit out of bodycon? Do they not teach children interview dress in school anymore? Suit jacket and a New Look spandex skirt make you look like a Turk Slag high on HRT. I groaned inwards and a part of me died when I saw rucksacks and shopping bags and also a fake Claireabella. If you feel the need to carry a bag with your name on, you're obviously still a bit young in the head to deal with the hardcore cabin crew life. If you're partial to a rucksack, I can tell you now you will never be able to carry of the Airport Walk or point to the exits in a feminine manner.

I was sad to see a demise of the Fuck Off Neck Scarf. How can someone apply for a job as cabin crew and not have a natural instinct to put on a neck scarf with a jaunty knot? Would you apply for a job as a hooker if you couldn't put a rubber on?  I noticed that all the girls who bothered to wear the scarf got through to the second round of the interview stage.

Hair and make up was all over the shop as well. I could tell some of these girls had never applied make up in their life and left a big ring of white skin round their neck where their foundation wasn't blended in like some sort of fucking mallard drake. Waist length hair was left loose and hair dyes and piercings were on full view. If you can't be bothered taking out your nose ring and putting your hair in an updo for the interview, you're definitely going to be a troublemaker in the workplace, causing delays due to you being pulled in for a uniform check. The PILFs aren't gonna be interested either and the baggage handlers will mistake you for a piece of luggage- ugly, outsize and misshapen. We're not in school now you know, no rolling up your skirt.

Full marks go to all the lads at the interview, they all made an effort, suited and booted. Particular recognition goes to the girls of Manchester, Liverpool and the South who were all immaculate (and got through to the final round too!) Take it from me, if you're attending a cabin crew interview and you've no prior cabin crew work experience, dress the part, talk the talk and you're halfway there. Pick out a suit, a white blouse, a neck scarf and if your hair is longer than your shoulders, make sure it's up as this will be what they'll expect of you and it helps the interviewer visualise you in the role.
Certain words and phrases will be picked up on in your one to one interview too- I always like Teamwork, Empathy, Safety and throw in a bit of jargon too. CRM stands for Crew Resource Management and basically means teamwork and rapport with colleagues- get it in there for extra brownie points! For God's sake don't mention pulling pilots or saying you hate chav passengers. Positivity at all times! You can moan once your foot is in the door! Some of these candidates hadn't prepared for the interview at all, didn't know a thing about the airline and treated it like it was a bog standard office job.

At the interview there was a teamwork exercise in addition to the one to one interview- make sure you're not a wallflower and not a bossy boots either- a happy medium is what they're looking for.

I was sad to see the airline didn't provide any refreshments on the day as I had been with this particular airline 10 years previously and was provided delicious cakes and coffee. Sad economic times or a tight employer? Who knows. Either way, aviation has changed an awful lot since my debut and so have the standards in society. It's a dog eat dog world out there, make sure you stay abreast of the competition.